Internet Safety: an Empowerment Approach

Social media safety is a frequent theme that comes up with youth and their caregivers. I also have worked with teens who have experienced victimization through social media (sexual abuse grooming and cyberbullying).

The internet is a scary place and its valid for parents to be fearful. That said, I find teaching kids and teens the tools to be safe online is a more fruitful strategy than “banning” apps. Here’s why:

Social norms: if more than 80% of their peers are using something and they can’t, it can bring feelings of shame and embarrassment. While rules about trechnology are a family decision, I encourage parents to reflect thoughtfully on the reasons behind bans and if it’s based in logic or emotion (fear).

Decreased sneaking: to the above point, it’s better to teach your child to use something safely than have them use it in secret without your knowledge.

Establishing critical thinking: the discernment skills will follow them into adulthood. Rigid rules and bans often “punt” problems with critical thinking for down the road.

So, without further ado, here are my top 5 strategies for empowering teens to use the internet safely:

Thinking skills over specific rules: Apps are always changing, so focusing on empowering your child to make smart decisions on any platform is the best approach to ensure safety across all platforms.

Obviously each app has specific concerns (cough cough, snapchat) but I find fixation on one app often results in it getting replaced with another app. Here are some sample probing questions that would be useful for an older child or teen to practice evaluating any platform or decision:

What is the best thing that could happen? What is the worst thing that could happen? What is the evidence this person is telling the truth? Is there anything suspicious about this situation? Does this seem “too good to be true”? If there was a permanent record of this, would I stand by everything that’s happening?

Treat privacy as a preference: Soooo many families focus on privacy settings. And listen, I totally get it - my personal profiles are very private. Here’s the BUT - it’s safer to treat privacy like a preference rather than a promise. Things get screenshotted (see thumbnail), things get leaked. The safest way to view the internet is as if everything is 100% public and 100% permanent.

Encourage healthy balance: Social media is a powerful tool! There are lots of positives and negatives, and portraying it as all negative will make your child question the validity of what you’re saying. I would encourage you to see what positives and negatives your child can come up with on their own. You can also reflect on this and share your own! Here are a few of mine:

Pros: connecting to loved ones who live far away, memes, learning interesting new things

Cons: comparison is the thief of joy, addictive nature of screens, distracts from other hobbies that make me happier

Teach the concept of moderation and work collaboratively with your child to come up with screen guidelines that encompass this.

Dialogue, don’t lecture: when discussing the internet with your child, practice these strategies

• Use active listening

• Avoid emphasizing your authority first (you can circle back to rules if needed)

• Be candid about your fears

• Offer praise for thoughtful sharing

It can be super helpful to use hypothetical or real world examples from pop culture, and have your child work through how a better decision could have been made. Resist the urge to tell your child what should be done, they will learn so much more by coming to an answer on their own with your gentle guidance.

Actually reward honesty: Praise your child for being honest about hard things, and weigh that as an important factor when giving consequences. IMPORTANT - if you set this as a guideline, you must stand by it! So many parents are guilty of liking how this rule sounds, and then when their child does something bad, it goes out the window, and your child learns you do not mean it. In order to reinforce honesty, you must make it clear that you appreciate their honesty and if there is still a consequence, specifically note that it is less than it would have been if they weren’t honest. If a child is dishonest about doing something bad, sometimes it’s helpful to articulate two separate consequences.

This blog post speaks to general healthy boundaries for all families. For serious or specific issues, it can often be helpful to consult with a professional to get a sense of what is developmentally appropriate, and if your child is being unsafe online, what might be most helpful in terms of rules and supervision.